LEDESMABABY

Growing up, I was transferring schools every 2-3 years, starting in elementary school. Every friend I made either turned their back on me or bullied me. I never told my parents because I was taught to stand up for myself, but for some reason I never did. I just blew it off like it didn’t bother me.

It has helped me in good and bad ways.

At times I’m closed off to making new friends because I don’t want that chance of them turning their back on me, so I stay quiet and to myself. That often leads people to thinking I’m a bitch. Which, I won’t lie, I definitely can be. But once you get to know me, you’ll know I’ll have your back and be your go-to for everything. And that’s something that has shown me can be a good and bad thing.

I may be this closed off person that seems like I don’t care, but I do. I do anything for my friends and family. And recently, I’ve noticed it either goes unnoticed or unappreciated, which makes me want to close people off again. 

I give and I give to all these people, yet when I need something, they aren’t around.

Am I giving too much?

I know I won’t stop doing what I do for my friends and family because I love them, but it gets frustrating when it isn’t reciprocated, and I don’t mean for this to sound selfish, I just at times wish my friends would seem more appreciative or acknowledge me as a closer friend rather than what feels like an acquaintance.

I’ve even noticed in past relationships that I was never acknowledged, the relationship was always a secret or on the down low.

For some time, I always wondered if I was embarrassing to be around or someone to be ashamed of. It took me a while to realize it wasn’t me and it was just him who had insecurities but made me pay for it.

But this makes me wonder if it’s happening all over again just with friends/family.

Why am I always on the down low or only around when it’s convenient for you?