LEDESMABABY

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all.

Where all thoughts, good and bad, form. Where all the unnecessary overthinking happens.

Why do we tend to overthink? Where does this overthinking tend to lead?

A dark place, I’ll tell ya that.

It can start with the smallest thing or something tragic.

My depression and anxiety started started five years ago when my grandma passed away.

It was my first experience with death and it happened to someone I was extremely close to.

I knew she was older, but it’s still not something you expect to happen so suddenly.

It was the night of her funeral, I was supposed to be on a flight to San Diego, but felt I needed to be home. I knew it was going to be hard for my mom and needed to be there for her too.

We came home late after the reception and that’s when it hit me.

I was in the backseat on the passenger side, staring out the window. Not a single thought going through my mind. My heart started racing like never before. Tears started flooding my eyes, but I managed to keep them from falling down my face for the last five minutes of this drive that seemed like a lifetime.

We pulled into the driveway, I stayed behind my parents, waiting for my dad to unlock and open the door. Without hesitation, I run up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door, and boom! Tears fell down my face like a damn waterfall.

I felt as if I were suffocating. I was hyperventilating. Literally. I immediately started taking off my clothes as fast as I possibly could. It felt like someone was trying to see how many times they could wrap a rubber band around my chest, making it impossible for me to breathe.

I stripped down, leaned over my bed, head down, and just fell to my knees. My mom just happened to come in to check if I was coming downstairs and as soon as she saw me, she grabbed me and just held me.

The woman who just lost her mom, was trying to put me back together.

I knew later that week when I just never wanted to do anything (even workout – I left the gym a few times right before I would start the workout) that I was depressed.

I never got help or tried to get help, I just thought it would pass. Eventually, I got better with time. I found tea soothing at night, but that was it.

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About two years ago, after the first go-around with “Safety” (read my post ‘Safety’ if you don’t know who/what I’m talking about), man, oh, man…I had never felt a heartbreak like this.

I cried for days. Ok, that’s a lie – it was for far too long.

My best friend called me right after I had told her what had happened and she came over right away.

The moment she saw my face she knew I was just…broken.

I thought it would blow over and I would get over it, but it just got worse.

I couldn’t sleep. I barely ate. I started drinking more and more. I went out to bars and clubs every weekend. I stopped working out as often as I used to.

It started to affect my work. I would have to go to the bathroom to get myself together, or if it got really bad, I would go to my car on my breaks and just sob.

I knew after a couple times of going to my car, it was bad. I called my mom, struggling to catch my breath. I just needed her to calm me down.

I honestly pray that no one feels this type of heartbreak. Ever.

My mom knew just listening to me sob over the phone that I needed help. Not just her. She called my doctors for a referral to a therapist.

Going through so much heartache or any tragedy can cause some serious depression, anxiety and deep, negative thoughts, causing your mind to go into overload.

These things can often make you wonder if there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you.

Growing up around people who didn’t and still don’t believe in depression or anxiety and that it is a mental illness, can only make things worse. I know.

It’s common, unfortunately, for people to dismiss the severity of depression and anxiety.

Depression and anxiety is often focused more towards women, which is something that needs to change for many reasons.

Men have struggled with depression, anxiety, or any mental illness and they’re often shamed for even mentioning it. Which makes them unable to talk to anyone about it.

We’ve seen (too) many men that this can take a toll on and lead to a devastating outcome. This is the last thing men and the rest of the world needs.

We need support.

Everyone deserves the same encouragement to get the help they need without the shame and disapproval.

Be kind. No one needs your negative sh*t!

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Resources

If you feel alone, you’re not. Use these resources below to get the help you need.
*If you’re in a harmful state, please call 911. You matter.

• Ask your primary physician for a referral
• Quartet Health (I went through this website)
• Beneath The Skin (heard many great things)
• If you’re in the U.S. text CONNECT to 741741 to be immediately connected to someone
• If you’re in Canada, text HOME to 686868 to connect with someone immediately
• If you’re in the UK, text SHOUT to 85258 to be connected with someone immediately