LEDESMABABY

Losing a pet is never easy, especially when it’s your first.

After a year, I finally feel like I can write about it. A lot of people have asked me in person how I’m doing and I post on social media how much I miss her, but I haven’t been able to write an in-depth post about it until now.

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For about a month, Stella had been coughing, occasionally. We thought it was just a hairball or she had some food stuck in her throat. Never found it concerning until the week before Thanksgiving. It had gotten increasingly worse, to the point where she was coughing every 20 minutes – so it seemed – and wheezing so badly she couldn’t catch her breath.

The night we knew it was concerning, my dad said he was going to take her to the ER. So, 9pm on a Wednesday, my dad and I take her in.

Side note: We knew she had a small heart murmur for a while, but the vet was never concerned about it.

Well, because of Covid, we couldn’t go in to the waiting room, so my dad gets the call from the ER vet after they ran a whole bunch of tests and it’s the call no pet owner wants to get.

She was in heart failure at 15 years old.

We (my parents and I) had a tough conversation on where to go from here and after hearing the vet say she could have months or a year with meds, we decided to give it a try.

If you knew Stella, you knew she was a stubborn little sh*t! LOL! So, I had to get creative and more stubborn to get those meds down.

She learned my tricks as quickly as I did!

Well, the weekend came and there were days I saw her getting better, then days I thought that was it.

My siblings came over for dinner either Saturday or Sunday night and when Stella came down the stairs, she fell and had a hard time getting back up. “This is it. This is the end.” I thought.

Back to the ER my dad and I went. They wanted to keep her overnight to monitor her.

That night, I felt helpless. The tears just kept coming. We had to have another hard conversation since we didn’t know if the meds were working or not. We decided we didn’t want her in pain and if she kept falling, we’d know that would be it.

I didn’t want to make that decision. I wanted to remain hopeful for another year with her.

The next morning we got a call saying she did really well throughout the night and to keep giving her the meds. I was hopeful, but something still didn’t feel right.

Bringing her home, I could tell she was different. No energy, no strength to get out of her bed, nothing.

Thanksgiving came and we were headed to my aunt and uncle’s house about 20 minutes away. I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to leave her alone. She wasn’t alone, Luna was there, but I still wanted to be there in case of anything.

We came home early and she seemed the same.

The next morning I went to give her her meds and when I saw her, she didn’t look like Stella. It almost looked like she wasn’t there. That may sound weird, but it’s true. The way she looked at me, was almost like a, “I’m done, mom.” *cue the tears*

I didn’t even try to give her the meds. I saw her look at me and that made my decision clear. I wasn’t going to keep her in pain.

My dad called the vet and told him our decision…I’m pretty sure he knew she wasn’t going to make it another day because he saved a time for us “in case [we] made that decision.”

Of course I kept asking myself if it was the right decision.

I took her on one more walk in the park, I carried her to the park and let her walk on the grass for as long as she could. Gave her all the cuddles and treats she wanted.

My siblings came over and said their goodbyes.

The hardest goodbye of all, telling Luna she wouldn’t see her sister again. I was already crying, but damn, that hit me like a freight train!

I don’t know if I’ve ever cried so hard for so long. I cried myself to sleep and let Luna sleep in bed with me for about a month.

My eyes were so puffy and red, they hurt every time I touched them.

The texts, comments on my post, and stories meant everything to me. I had people later on say, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to bother you during a difficult time.” Thank you, but PLEASE send that text.

If you know someone who is grieving a pet or a loved one, a simple text means the world.

To my Stellita,
You are missed and thought about every single day. ⭐🌙 🤍